Why do you never see elephants hiding in trees? || Because they're really good at it.

Why did the pizza cutter get a speeding ticket? || Because he was rounding the corner too fast.

How many apples grow on an apple tree? || All of them.

How do you make a bandstand? || Take away all of the chairs.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? || Frost-bitten.

Why was the basketball court all wet? || People kept dribbling all over it.

Did you hear about the two satellites that got married? || The wedding wasn't much, but the reception was incredible.

What did the ocean say to the shore? || Nothing. It just waved.

Why did the scarecrow win an award? || He was outstanding in his field.

Why do bees hum? || Because they don't know the words.

Hear about the guy that stayed up all night wondering where the sun had gone? || It finally dawned on him.

Question: Why did the carpenter leave the lumber store? Answer: Because he got bored.

Have you heard the pizza joke that's going around the internet? || It's a little cheesy.

A man went to the doctor. He had a cucumber in one ear. A hot dog in the other ear. And two carrots stuck up his nose. He asked the doctor what was wrong with him and the doctor said: || "I don't think you're eating properly."

What's big and hairy and wears a bow tie? || Bigfoot at a fancy party.

Why did the ghost buy a box of bandages? || Because he had so many BOO BOOs.

What did the beaver say to the tree? || It's been nice gnawing you.

If I asked you to choose your favorite feature, would you... || ...pick your nose?

What do you call a fake noodle? || An impasta!

Did you hear about the world's greatest watch thief? || He stole all the time.

Did you hear that they invented a new type broom? || It's sweeping the nation.

I couldn't figure out the seat belts in my new car... || ...but then it clicked.

Have you heard about the sale at the Optimist Store? || Everything's 50% on.

What's the difference between the moon and a cheeseburger? || The moon is in the sky, a cheeseburger is in THIS guy. (Points to belly)

Why did the astronaut move to the suburbs? || He wanted more space.

Why did the golf course hire the dermatologist? || It needed to have some moles removed.

What's red and smells like paint? || Red paint.

What kind of tree fits in your hand? || A palm tree.

February can't March. || But April May!

How do trees get on the internet? || They log on.

Did you hear about the circus fire? || It was in tents.

I used to really hate facial hair. || Then one day, it grew on me.

Hear about the guy that got fired from the calendar factory? || He took too many days off.

Hear about the guy that wanted to buy a pair of camouflage pants? || He couldn't find them anywhere.

Did you hear about the restaurant they're building on the moon? || The food is supposed to be great, but there's no atmosphere.

Do you know what the loudest pet is? || A trumpet.

Do you know the name of the boy wizard that loved to play golf? || Harry Putter.

Why don't crabs ever give to charity? || Because they're shellfish.

Where do fancy cats go to the bathroom? || The glitter box.

Why did the snake go to the doctor? || Because he had a frog in his throat.

Did you hear the one about the Ballerina Debate Team? || They always stay on point.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school? || Bison

Hear about the lazy kangaroo? || He was a real pouch potato.

Why do optimists have to wear sunglasses? || Because they're always looking on the bright side.

What's more amazing than a talking dog? || A spelling bee.